Wet Wipes And Wine
Welcome to Wet Wipes and Wine where we aim to laugh, learn, and navigate parenthood with humor! Join Nikki Collinson-Phenix and her fellow parent guests for some fun relatable stories, witty banter, and expert insights.
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From toddler tales to teen triumphs, we've got it all.
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Wet Wipes And Wine
#10 Raising Girls, Hormones And All The Fun That Goes With It with Lindsay Randerson
Remember the moment your sweet child's voice cracked for the first time, or when eye rolls became their second language? That's right, we're tackling the tumultuous terrain of teen parenting with executive health coach and consummate parent Lindsay Randerson. Our banter spans the gamut from deciphering mood swings to merging old-school parenting with new-age dilemmas, all while keeping our health and humor intact. Pour a glass of patience (or wine) and get ready for a session of laughter-laced wisdom that might just see you through those door-slamming days.
Lindsay and I don't shy away from the sticky subjects: the tightrope walk of giving freedom versus setting boundaries, and the moments when our own childhoods echo loudly in our parenting choices. We share stories of when to let our kids stumble, and the life skills that are as essential as they are empowering. Whether it's navigating morning chaos or confronting the darker corners of adolescence, we reaffirm that it's a journey of growth—for our teens and us.
As we wrap up, we cozy into the concept of self-care, a lifeline for any parent knee-deep in the teen years. Lindsay and I discuss how carving out time for ourselves isn't just a luxury, it's a necessity that teaches our kids to value their own mental health. So join us as we hold onto that metaphoric rope, offering steadfast support to our children while remembering to secure our own oxygen masks first. After all, a parent who breathes is a parent who can handle anything—even teenagers.
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10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Quick, pass me the wipes. Hi and welcome to Wet Wipes and Wine, the podcast for parents who maybe want to live life a little bit differently from the norm. Maybe you want to travel more as a family or just explore new possibilities. The norm Maybe you want to travel more as a family or just explore new possibilities. Maybe you have family dreams you want to achieve, or maybe you just want to be surrounded by people who remind you that when life throws a load of parenting crap at you, that wet wipes or wine is usually the answer.
Speaker 1:I'm your host, nikki Collinson-Phoenix, and each week I'll be bringing you real life stories from my own parenting journey. I'll also be welcoming guests to share theirs, as well as introducing you to new ideas, thoughts, tips and tricks from my little black book of awesome people. Welcome to Wet Wipes and Wine. Too early for wine. This episode is sponsored by remote solutions, helping you create businesses that are location independent. For more information, visit wwwremotesolutionswork.
Speaker 1:All right, everyone. Welcome to today's episode of wet Wine. Now you're going to chuckle because actually this particular episode was already recorded once and, although I do have a mantra of imperfect action, which I'd like to say actually, I'm wearing my t-shirt today, perfectly imperfect, there's perfectly imperfect and then there's not. Actually can't actually hear it very well. So, unfortunately, that perfectly imperfect previous recording of this episode was just too imperfect for us to be able to use. So we're back for round two.
Speaker 1:But the difference is this is me and Lindsay, who I'm going to chat with you about in a minute. Is that where before? Where was I? In Bulgaria? Then, lindsay, you were, yeah, so where before? We were utilising the good old internet to record the episodes. Today we are in person, we are both here down on the Isle of Wight and we are decided we would just get together and not worry about all of this recording stuff. So, yeah, you are getting Nikki and Lindsay, and this is Lindsay Randerson, now my mate, lindsay, I'm not going to do like a little bio, I'm just going to put you on the spot. Tell us a bit about you. Who are you and what do you do.
Speaker 2:Who am I and what do I do? Well, this second I'm quite comfortable just having a nice glass of water in the sun with my friend.
Speaker 1:I know the thing is, though, there's no wine because it is a bit early, isn't it no?
Speaker 2:wine, yeah, six o'clock one, but no, this morning it's just really nice to just be sitting chilling and chatting. So I'm Lindsay Randerson. I'm a executive health coach, if we're being really pedantic, which basically means I look after executives and CEOs who are really wanting to look after their health as part of their business strategy. So you know, preventative health rather than getting to the stage where we're exhausted, we're knackered, our business is overrun at us and we then stop enjoying it because we can't get up in the morning, because we're too tired to function, we're too tired to get out of bed, and it's a a real drag. And so what I do is, um, help put a health strategy in place, um, so that you can be really successful in what you do, but also you don't leave your health at the back door that sounds pretty fab, didn't it?
Speaker 1:but there's a lot of people going. Yes, I feel like that.
Speaker 2:I feel like that at times and, uh, aside from all your fabulous executive health coaching, you're also a mum, I am yeah, I've got um two teenagers, a 14 year old um and a 19 year old, and so, and, and you know, very different in terms of personalities and you say teens as if you know, like teens are all one thing, but actually what I've learned is there's varying stages of teens coming, and I think you're at the beginning of the well, this is what I want to talk to you about today.
Speaker 1:This is, this is what I want to talk to you.
Speaker 1:So you've got a boy who's 19 and a girl who's 14, and I have a girl who's 12 and a boy who's six, so we're covering between us the whole spectrum of ages, and I know we talked a little bit about this last time, but obviously things that was a few weeks ago and we've been able to get back together now to um re-record this, and obviously things have moved on, things have changed and stuff and I I would really like to talk about because we talk, you know, from a business perspective.
Speaker 1:We often talk about what makes you an expert, right, and I want to tie that into parenting, because one of the things that I've always said is that an expert only needs to be a couple of steps ahead of the person who's either got a challenge or isn't sure about something. So, on the basis of that, I have a 12 year old girl and you have a 14 year old girl, so that makes you two years way more experienced than me. So I'm the first. Right now, you are more of an expert with a teenage daughter than I am, okay, okay, so I want to talk about teenage daughters.
Speaker 2:Yeah.
Speaker 1:All right, because the thing is obviously I was a teenage daughter once and the hormones were going and all of that stuff, but I genuinely do not remember feeling anything particularly dramatic going on. And I've asked my mum as well and said, like was there anything you particularly remember from that time? Like was I a really up and down tween teen? Was I really moody, did I have these highs and lows and all of that? And mum was like no, and I don't remember anything around all of that, I just kind of like cruised on through it, whereas my daughter I mean, she is like on the full spectrum of emotions, of drama, of everything, and I don't even know who she is like one minute to the next, or who is going to wake up in the morning, or who I'm going to be with by eight o'clock in the morning, which was different to who got up at seven o'clock, although now it's dragging her backside out of bed ready for school with a face like a slapped ass, as I call it.
Speaker 1:I'm like what? The and this constant death staring this almost need to want to smile, but she can't because it's either not cool. So we get this tongue in the cheek thing where I know that you're trying. She's either trying not to smile or she's trying not to internally deck me. We had had ian had the other day, the very first.
Speaker 1:I hate you. It's come out, I haven't had it yet and then, having been away for a few days, I've had the mom. Mom, I miss you, I don't want you to go, I don't want you to go to. Now I'm back and I'm barely speak to you and, and it's just, it's exhausting, lindsay, I'm like I I'm at this point now where I'm the first to put my hand up. You know I have this parenting. You know a lot of the people that listen to this podcast and it's based around the whole joys and funds and highs of loads of parenting. I do not come to this podcast as some kind of parenting expert or because I'm not. I come to this podcast as a parent. He just wants to share my journey, share other people's journeys, learn from other people and just let everyone know where you're not alone, in the highs and the lows, and have a bit of a laugh at the same time. So tell me what, what the hell's going on?
Speaker 1:yeah, well, um where is the light at the end of the tunnel?
Speaker 2:it it's. It's funny, isn't it? Because I, I guess, if you go back to when I was, you know, teen as I, I can't remember. You know, I can't remember that stage particularly either. I can remember going out my horse. I can remember going out my horse. I can remember going out my chopper bike because I was very into my yellow chopper at that point.
Speaker 2:Um, I played a lot of tennis, I did a lot of sports, but I was out. You know I was out a lot. Yeah, I can't remember dragging myself out of bed in the morning and having that full-on meltdown about what I was going to wear. I just literally chucked on a pair of jeans, probably a big jumper and some trainers and I was out the door. And it is so different now, and because I am two years up from that, I do remember when my daughter started to go into the teen cycle of you know, one minute I'm absolutely fine, the next minute she's in tears. The next minute she's happy. The next minute, and all the emotions and the roller coaster you can get really tied up with very quickly and I'm just. I mean this with love.
Speaker 2:I'm almost dreading what's coming next. Now go on, but it doesn't really change it. Just they evolve, all right, they. They've just got to work through their little journey. Yeah, they soften into who they are right and I guess in hindsight I can't remember who I think I picked it up from a saying, or it was a poem or something that was really stuck with me and that was just don't let go, as if I'm holding on to the end of the rope and whatever struggle is going on their end, yeah, my job is to keep hold of that rope I really like that and not drop it, yeah, and not let go and not give up and not just give out, yeah, is to just hold on, yeah, and allow them to thrash out on the other end.
Speaker 2:Right, because really like that, yeah. The more space I reckon I gave my daughter she definitely started to figure out things on her own the tighter I tried to pull that in the kickback you got the chaos and the stress and the meltdowns and, and you know, yes, we all, we all get responsive to the constant and they do have a happy knack of pushing the big red button. And and I'm in, I'm just out of the perimenopause, menopause, right?
Speaker 1:so, as my daughter is going into the the teen bit, I was in perimenopause and, holy shit, that's like a tsunami I think that's where we are, because ian's sitting there going one in, one out and I'm and, but even like a tsunami, I think that's where we are. Ian's sitting there going one in, one out. But even like with Ian, we've had to have conversations around, picking our battles. Yeah, with her, because there's a lot of things that I'm just like I can say to her like that's not cool, or that was not cool what you just did, or that was a little that was a bang out of order, or that was massively disrespectful. But I'll say it and then I'll walk away, whereas Ian will take it the next step.
Speaker 1:He can't walk, walk away. He kind of wants to discuss it, wants an apology, and I'm just like, sometimes, right now, you need to just pick the ones. You know. If she's just crossing the line slightly or dipping her toe over the line, just acknowledge it, register it, tell her and then walk away and only actually react when she's flipping dive, bombed the line and then you're saying hang on a minute, you've gone too far now and we've got to have a lot of conversations around. Please pick the battles, because, almost sometimes, because I feel like I've got a little bit of a balance between choosing what I'm gonna make a thing or not. He hasn't. And so then I find myself refereeing, because it's like he becomes igniter fuel, yeah, and like she's already obviously kicking back on something, and then he'll go in with his petrol. I call him, and then something that started off relatively small becomes something much bigger which could have been deflated quite quickly.
Speaker 2:Yeah, you're right, because when you get into a triangle, okay, there is no winners in a triangle right because you're just ping-ponging amongst the three of you, yeah, and also it's a little bit like ganging up yeah, I agree, it does feel like a little bit like ganging up.
Speaker 1:Yeah, I agree, it does feel like it A little bit of ganging up, and my daughter was definitely.
Speaker 2:You know, she would say something to me and I would sort of try and just listen, and then I didn't give her the response she wanted. She'd go to Mark and she'd say the same thing, but he would give her a different outcome, and then we'd have a discussion, and then we'd have a bloody argument because we were saying different things. And then it was this sort of chaotic triangle that I realized quite quickly and I said you know, look, this is the communication bit, right? Yeah, if I say no, it's not an open no for you to then go and speak to dad and say to dad well, actually I know it's a no, but I'm going to test my luck.
Speaker 1:I'm playing one off against the other, though, yeah and that is frustrating.
Speaker 2:Yeah, so I guess you're right in saying you know, just putting out a little bit of boundaries, putting out a little bit of actually you were doing a really good job up until that point, right, yeah, where you've crossed the line and I feel and I always come back to when I'm talking to her I always come from my perspective. Okay, I feel that actually, you know, this is how I feel in in this moment, that I'm upset about it, or you've, you know, you've upset how I feel, or you know. So it's not a you job, right, you've done this and you've done that, and you're this and you're that. And god j Jesus, you're driving me bloody nuts. It always comes from my perspective, because then it's my opinion and there's no comeback on that. If I go in with a you, you, you, you, that's a red flag to a ball and they don't need any more fuel, they've got enough.
Speaker 1:And was your daughter quite vocal about things? Like you know, lani's been very much like I can say to her she's, she's literally like this classic this morning before coming coming over here. She's walking around, she's dragged herself out of bed. She's walking around with her face like slapped ass. She's just proper got the scowl on. You're trying to have conversation with her and it's just mute. It's literally. She's just looking at me and I'm like what's the matter? Babe? You're right, nothing, literally. But she's looking me in the eye and there's no words whatsoever. And so then it's really hard. I'm saying, unless you talk to me, it's really difficult for me to help you, unless I know what's going on. And but then I don't want to push too far and I'm just like then in the end I'm just like I've got to go, we'll talk about this later, but then I know that when I go back later she might be, we might have a different version, yeah, yeah, later. And so did you have the whole mute thing as well and what I sort of.
Speaker 2:I would know that there's something up, and normally there'd be a friendship issue, okay, or something that was bothering her, or something that happened in school, or you know something that maybe she just is not experienced enough to want to vocalize, yeah, and so I would always say look, you know, if there's something you want to share, I'm here to listen. Yeah, but if you also want my advice, I'm here to give you some advice. Yeah, but I leave it down to you. Yeah, you know where to come and find me, and at that point I just walk away.
Speaker 1:And then you've handed the control and the power back to her.
Speaker 2:And then it might take an hour, it might take three days, it might take a week, but at some point it then opens up a conversation. It doesn't drop immediately, but then there is the ability to you've opened up a little bit of a gap in the door for them to then say okay, mum's a safe space, yeah, whatever's going on. You vocalize that you're aware that, yeah, she's got, you know, a face on her, because there must be something going on.
Speaker 1:They do good faces yeah, they do a great face.
Speaker 2:they do a great face, and it will cut you in half.
Speaker 1:And the thing is sometimes I'm almost trying not to laugh, like I'm having a conversation and I'm seeing this face that she's working really hard at holding. And Ian says to her last night because she particularly had her face on, and he said, do you know? He said I was reading something the other day. He was like it uses more muscles to frown than it does to smile. Yeah, yeah, she didn't find that amusing at all. And then Ian's quite wrinkly on his. He won't mind me saying he knows, but he's quite wrinkly on his forehead. And I'm sitting there going to him Lani, look at dad. I was like, look at dad, do you want to be like that? Do you want to have those frown lines so early on? You could just have laughter lines, but she, she wasn't feeling that she wasn't.
Speaker 2:And also sometimes you can. You can totally deflate that right, because laughter is really a great, but you've got to get it right though, haven't you?
Speaker 1:and sometimes, like I try and do the, I'm going to try and snap her out of it with something funny, and 50% of the time it works, and then there's another 50% where I've now become petrol, and this was not the moment to make it funny. This was the wrong one, and all I've done is just blow it up. And sometimes she's pulling this face and I'm literally I'm pissing myself inside.
Speaker 1:Lindsay, I'm like I'm trying with. I can feel my lips quivering because I can't let her see that I'm about to laugh. But watching the effort going into being this scowling bag is hilarious and I'm like, please don't let her see you laughing, please don't let us see you laughing. But I am literally like I can't hold it in any longer, because then sometimes, when it sneaks out, well, then she turns around. I get the slam door and I get all of this and I'm like, yeah, that was not, that was not, that was not the appropriate one to do. But when it's there, it's really hard to suppress it when you're just like this is really funny. Um, so, yeah, sometimes, sometimes, but I think that's all with parenting though, isn't it? It's like, like I have said to her, I'm not a perfect parent, babe, I'm not a perfect parent. I'm gonna mess up, I'm gonna drop the ball, sometimes I'm gonna get it right and sometimes I'm gonna get it wrong, and like that's the same for all of us, isn't it?
Speaker 2:And not to put yourself under too much pressure, right, because we can all give ourselves a really hard time when we get it wrong. Yeah, but I guess you're already saying that to her, so she knows that.
Speaker 1:You know we're not here to be perfect at anything and there isn't a one-size-fits-all is there I mean to be perfect and there isn't a one-size-fits-all is there. I mean, like you know, I look at ian and I both had very dysfunctional um backgrounds and childhoods, um, with many similarities but also many differences. And we were talking about it while we've been away because, you know, excitedly, we've actually had a couple of days without children to have grown-up conversations, and one of the things we talked about was, um, the parenting was the whole teen tween thing that's going on at home right now and stuff like that. And saying that, you know, looking at our different parenting styles, is that whilst we both had dysfunctional parenting, I would say I was very my. I was parented in a way that was kind of quite unparented, as in, like I was on my own a lot during the day. During the evening I wasn't really parented. He was parented with like an iron rod um, and it was.
Speaker 1:So we we both come with dysfunctional bits that are similar, but the parenting styles and the way we were parented was very, very different. So he comes in very black and white and I come in with like a whole bundle of gray really and I'm just working out what I think we should be doing and how treating her how I feel I would like to have been treated, whereas he obviously comes in with a much more black and white and I'm saying you know, I'm not saying I've got it right or you've got it right, but somewhere you need to like back off a bit, because that does create a kickback, and sometimes I need to. Maybe he'll say to me well, you're not strict enough, and it's all of us. We're all just trying to combine a whole load of generational shit as well and try and morph it into some kind of parenting style, and I think as parents we don't always realize how much our own parenting and the generational side of parenting comes into the parent you then become.
Speaker 2:Yeah, it's huge, that that bit is huge. But you are aware of that, you know, you're very aware of that. I definitely, definitely can relate to that, my um, but it's very dysfunctional as well, and so long periods of time I was in a boarding school. I absolutely hated it, was incredibly bullied. I was very good at sports, like incredibly good at sports bullied from the day I was in there because I was really good at sport, um, but on my own a huge amount of time. But we did have, I guess, free reign to be on our own, you know.
Speaker 2:I was off on my horse pretty much most of the day. I didn't have a mobile phone to phone in, so I'm going to be late. I was off in the Yorkshire moors pretty much from seven o'clock in the morning until it was dark and nobody would be looking for me. You know, I was just out, yeah, yeah. So I think there was a lot of trial and error. I went to an all-girls boarding school, so when I hit London at age 19, I just had no idea what was going on. You've been very sheltered then.
Speaker 2:And when you get to a point then where it's like like, oh my god, like I don't know how to talk to boys, let alone anything else it's quite funny though, isn't it?
Speaker 1:because I look back on my my those ages, like when I was 12, 13, so my weekends were horses. I used to go and muck out people's horses and in return for rides, and I think that's what kind of kept me a little bit grounded, but the rest of the time I was a classic chav. I was round town, round town, round town, so me and my mates, because my mum worked all day and then she would work all evening and I would get home from school and then me and my mate would spend two hours, usually getting ourselves ready to go round town to see who was about, and we would go off around Newport. So I lived in Newport then, and we would go round just seeing who was around, with all my hairspray and all my hair and my makeup on and, you know, all my chautastic clothes, which back then also included shell suits. I want to go right back to shell suits and um, and going around town to see who else was about, um, sometimes finding some of our mates and hanging out, maybe getting getting somebody from the local off-license to go and get us some booze, or going around town and then finding out that there was no one about and we'd spent two hours getting ourselves ready for nothing. And then to come back home and all I knew was that I had to be in before I knew what time my mum would come back in from work. So I knew that as long as we were back in before then, I was good to go.
Speaker 1:Um, so it was. It was so free that I'm almost also with Lani as well, like she obviously is wanting bits of independence, and I am doing a really good job now of letting her be independent. But for quite a long time I really was. I kind of wanted to hold her close, yeah, to me, but then I'd sit there going. But Nick, you like you were so free, you were getting buses all over the place, you were doing all this stuff with no parental supervision whatsoever and you've turned out all right. You know you've turned out all right. Um, you've got to trust this girl that you've given her some good foundations to do the same. So I am doing really, really good on it. But it is interesting just how that you know your experience of being at boarding school and my experience of being like, completely free.
Speaker 2:How that then comes into how you're trying to navigate being a parent yourself, yeah because you know, for me, for me having a I mean, you know, challenging, I think you know, looking back, I've, I have tried very hard to put myself into, you know, giving my daughter, lela um, a bit more of that trust, and I think that's a big thing when she's ready and she wants to do things she'll say yeah, you know, but sometimes we can dive in.
Speaker 2:It's a little bit like um. You know I talk this a lot with with um clients.
Speaker 1:You know we try and help and we try and dive in, but it's a bit too early, yeah, and and what we're doing then is disempowering them so, yeah, we've just taken a little break from today's show so that I can tell you a little bit about global trailblazing, our ultimate online youth club for young and intrepid global trailblazers aged five to 14.
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Speaker 2:For more information, just visit wwwglobaltrailblazingcom and maybe they're gonna fuck it up and maybe they're gonna get it wrong, but it actually doesn't matter you know the journey isn't it? It's. You know, it's a little bit like, and I always put the analogy in of you know, I remember when, um leila would I want to bake a cake and it just used to. At one point it used to fill me with dread because there used to be sprinkles, flour, butter. It's so messy, oh my God. It was everywhere, it was smeared all everywhere.
Speaker 2:And then I would step in and I'd be taking the bowl and, okay, I'll wash up here and I'll do this and I'll help here, and what I was doing was trying to help in a constructive way, but actually what I was doing is disempowering her to just enable yeah, and and then when you step in too early and you start managing that, what happens is they don't want to do it anymore, right, because they don't want to get it wrong, and say, well, it's much easier than if mom just takes over, because mom's going to make the cake, she's going to cook it, then I'm just going to eat it so you can get on with it. So the cake making then became my issue. I'm going to make the cakes and I'm not going to even bother. And this is a little bit about.
Speaker 2:Actually, it doesn't matter about the trying right, you're not going to get it right, but you have a container around you. It's like holding onto the rope, right, yeah, we have you on the other end of the rope and we're not going to let go. And as soon as that realization for me was we've got you. That realization for me was we've got you. You know, it doesn't matter what's.
Speaker 2:you have enough of this good foundation for you to try, and we're on the other end of the rope and we're not letting go, and I think that over the last two years has has given her a little bit more confidence for her to try new things, to go out. Some people she's met she doesn't like and she'll come out and say, no, not my people, not my people, not my people, not my tribe, not my club, I don't like that, I didn't like the experience and some things. She'll come back and say, actually, I'm going to give it another go. She loves tennis and the first two or three times we went to tennis, um, she wasn't sure but she persevered because you know she met a couple of people who were quite nice and she was now four years up the road. She's a really good tennis player, you know.
Speaker 2:So I guess it's just being there but not feeling like we need to disempower people we need to empower them to, to, you know, to make choices and to fail, because that's how we learn, right? Um? But I think then you know from where lani is now. Over the next couple of years, she will grow and evolve, knowing that actually, the tiny little minute, tiny bits, right like you know, she'll go into a makeup phase, she'll we're in the makeup, right, okay, we're in the makeup phase we're out of that
Speaker 1:and I want to clean. She's baking this afternoon, okay, and we've had to go through the baking journey and now I'm like, do what you want, as long as you wash up, crack on. Yeah, we're in the. Yeah, we're in. We're in the makeup phase. We went through the um, the crop top, yes, yeah. Now they seem to have dropped down. Um, we went through the very short skirts. Now we seem to have gone back into jeans, because now we're in that kind of teen tween I just want to be in hoodies and, um, baggy clothes.
Speaker 2:Wait until it gets the expensive bit. Right now it'll go. Now it jumps into right. I want all the designer stuff and I'm like I'm not enjoying this phase at all. Can we go back to just hanging out in in?
Speaker 1:your joggers joggers, yeah with with the other thing I think that is hard as a parent. I think we need to cut ourselves some slack is also just our own, our own fears, and I try not to, and I mean this could be a whole whole nother episode really. But like I, as having a girl and being a woman, yeah, I do struggle with a little bit of the independent side about the fears for her well-being and her safety and stuff like that one, because of different things that happened to me when I was younger, to know that, you know, there were undesirables out there, and also from the fact that Ian spent, you know, 10-12 years as a prison officer in sex offending prisons and, as I said, like that's a whole nother conversation. But it is really hard sometimes also to allow them the space to grow without wanting to protect them like hell, like a mama bear, you know.
Speaker 2:Yeah I think safety is one of those things, though, isn't it? I mean, you know, I, if you know, now we have to talk about safety. We have to talk about safety in different, varying guises because, let's face it, in our day, you know, it was different. We didn't have the internet, we didn't have social media, but now there are various areas that we have to have open discussions with um. The difference between, say, here's the difference between 19 and 14. So my older um, son um, who was a total, I am going to say, nightmare um, his idea of, of and this is a probably a little bit of a boy thing his independence was I'm going to turn off my phone, I'm not going to tell you where I am, I'm just going to go out and not let you know, and I'm just going to turn up at whatever hour in the morning. That used to freak the hell out of me.
Speaker 2:But as probably a boy, he could get away with that a little bit more. Okay, he'd get into a fight. He'd come back, you know, we'd have to pick him up when he's had too much to drink. Sorry, Charlie, but you know that has happened quite a lot of times that wouldn't be that.
Speaker 2:Leila knows that that isn't what she would be doing yeah, yeah so there is a very different take on that from her being a girl and my son being a boy. Right, she knows, if she goes to a party, um, she's being dropped off and she's being picked up, yeah, um, if she knows, if she's meeting people to touch base and say, right, this is where I am, this are the people I'm with, this is what time, you know, can you come and get me? Yeah, there is much more of that mechanism around leila than charlie and and charlie took the total nutter. You know, like let's just switch off all the safety, security situations and stuff and let's just go for it. But you know he's absolutely fine and you know, as I said, I think he was. He's a guy. Yeah, yeah, very different, yeah, but Leila knows that that isn't an area that she would be able to compromise on, so she's actually very responsible in in looking after herself and I think, with lineage, I think she's quite responsible.
Speaker 1:I really do, I think. I think sometimes I need to cut myself a bit of slack and go. I think you've done an all right job and one of the things I always remember is saying, um, this is when she was really young and I'm applying it now when she was about two, three, I used to regularly meet with some of my mum friends that we met at like antenatal and stuff like that, and there would be times because this was all our first child, so we weren't aware of the concept of the continual phases. We would like celebrate that we were going out of a phase, not realizing we were going full throttle into the next one. It was all like a bit of a learning curve and I remember one time one of my friends saying to me, like it was, it was either around the terrible twos or the three major kind of thing about oh my god, like this is so hard and this. You know my child's doing this, this, this, this and this and I can't cope or I don't know what's wrong with them. And I remember I'd had the realization sometimes earlier and I remember saying to her it means your child is developed mentally exactly where they should be.
Speaker 1:If they weren't demonstrating all this spectrum of stuff, you could be asking yourself why, why is my child not doing this? So when I look at Lani now and I see her Ian and I were talking last night I was like she's developed mentally exactly where she's meant to be for a 12-year-old. Do you know what I mean? She's pushing the button, she's going through her hormone ups and downs. She's doing all of that, which means she's right on track.
Speaker 1:To look at it in a positive light that your child's right, right where she's meant to be, then looking at it as a negative and every time you know, sometimes you can get a bit consumed with man, this is really hard work is to actually go. She's right where she's meant to be. Yeah, she's right where she's meant to be. So, from an executive coaching perspective, before we wrap up, from an executive coaching perspective, and mum, yeah, just taking some of those snippets of your knowledge, you've got a mum, dad, carer, guardian, you know, adult, responsible adult in a child's life right now, that is, you know, a little bit pulling their hair out because they have a tween, teen or just any child of any age who's currently doing a professional job at pushing the buttons yeah what kind of three things would you suggest they could do for their own little bit of self-care health well-being, to just not let themselves be on a back burner while they're navigating?
Speaker 1:yeah, that stuff, what kind of three things would you think would be a good bit of advice?
Speaker 2:I would say number one zoom out. Yeah right, we can get so caught in the weeds, we can get caught up in the, you know, the, the everyday, just stuff that's being fired at you in every shape, way or form is to really just zoom out. It is an evolution and it is a phase and this too shall pass, okay, and I think sometimes we think that shit, this is going to go on for life. It's not so. Zoom out first. Okay, it is intense and you know, for some of us the intensity can get, you know, a lot if we let it consume us. So, number one, just be give yourself some grace, zoom out, you know. Give yourself some grace, zoom out, you know. Give them some space and really focus in on giving you some minutes in the day to go and do things that you really enjoy yeah that means go and speak to other people.
Speaker 2:All right, go for a walk outside. Give yourself and and I'm not a great fan of saving this up for the weekend okay, you know, going to the gym once or twice a week is great cherry on the top, but what can you do for yourself every day, right, and that might just be five minutes, 10 minutes go, get outside, go for a walk, grab yourself a cup of tea, sit down with a book, put a podcast on um. Give yourself just minutes for you to breathe, and really that for me, was much more about an everyday thing rather than just oh god, god, you know, I'm going to the gym on Wednesday night, that's the thing, and I never used to get there, and so it used to build up and build up, and build up and build up.
Speaker 1:But then you feel a bit of a failure as well, because then you didn't. You set yourself that thing and then it didn't happen.
Speaker 2:So I don't do that anymore, right, if I get to the gym, great. But I will give myself absolutely time now every single day half an hour in the morning, sometimes at lunch and definitely just before I go to bed at night. That's my setup, that's my day and and that's been built in now. Um, and my daughter knows that right. So my son's, he's off now he's, he's not at home. So that's one down, um, but I think it's also. Number three would be you are mirroring every single thing. If you are looking after you and you are aware of you know we're not perfect. We're just doing our best and we're really, with love, doing everything we can to just be kind, be supportive, be loving, and we are holding on to that rope. I love the rope thing, the you can't really go far wrong here, right.
Speaker 2:You, you know, they know that you are, and I'm also thinking about.
Speaker 1:I really like I genuinely love the rope thing. I'm already thinking about it now and thinking, as long as you know, as long as our kids always know, we've got the end of the road. Yeah, and you're not putting it down right. Yeah, you know, and it is interesting because even race it to me the other day, because you know he can be a little toe rag, he's a six-year-old boy um, because I say to him often he's very huggy and he'll say you know, I'm really sorry that I did such and such, and I'm like that's okay, I really appreciate you saying that. Um, you know, I love you very much, whatever.
Speaker 1:And he says things like do you still love me, even when I've done this? I said always, rafing, I said no matter what you do, I'll always love you. Yeah, the good, the bad, the ugly, it doesn't matter, my love will never change for you. And I think, as long as they always know that you have got the end of the rope, while they have successes, yeah, while they learn, while they fuck up, when, whatever, the rope's always there, I love, I literally love.
Speaker 2:And it is there to be pulled, right, yeah, you know, like, and I, I used, I, I loved it when I I I heard about it and I think it's a poem. I'll dig it out for you. But, um, and it it's, there is going to be push and there is going to be pull. Yeah, right's, there is going to be push and there is going to be pull. Yeah, right, and there is going to be thrashing around on the end of it. You know it is there, but there is a direct link between you and them through this piece of invisible road. Yeah, and say, once they know that that bond is there. Once is there. You can soften into that. And that knowing means that whatever bullshit they want to chuck at you, they're thrashing on that piece of rope. Yeah, and as long as you just hold on to the end of it, let them thrash yeah that's right.
Speaker 1:Really nice thing happened last night, actually just before we wrap up. Right, really nice thing happened last night, actually just before we wrap up. Really nice thing happened last night. So lana used to always want to have certain nights where she would crash in with me, even traveling the caravan, and that it would be like can can I sleep with mum tonight? And then a little while ago, maybe just two or three months ago, she declared she didn't want to do that anymore, which was a bit gutting. But Rafe went well, that's fine, because I'll get your slots as well. So he was made up and she was, and I was a little bit like oh, oh, we've passed that phase now.
Speaker 1:Um, coming back from us being away for the last few days, um, I said to the kids do you want to come and bunk him with mum on Saturday night? I can have one of you either side. Do you want to come? Lani was a bit like no, no, I don't want to do that, and I thought, okay, well, I asked her. So me and Rafe hung out for the night. Ian slept in Rafe's bed. But then last night she said can I come and sleep in with you tonight? And last night it was me and my girl. So even though she'd um, she declared she hadn't. She didn't want to. She was in last night for hugs, mom and that won't go away.
Speaker 2:Right, there'll be a, there'll be a period of time that will you know. You'll think actually that will stop, but you know, leila 14, coming on 15. Yeah, same thing. Yeah, we've been away for a couple of days. I got back and the first thing she said to me was you know, mum, I'd really like to watch a movie with you. Yeah, can you jump in my bed? Yeah, and we had a cup of tea together and we snuggled up and we watched a film. Yeah, and so she's nearly 50. Yeah, you know.
Speaker 1:So it won't go away, it's just sometimes I think it's, I, sometimes I think she's going through that moment of like, what's cool? And actually, what truly do I want? And I think sometimes it's. I think it's cool to say she thinks it's cool to say, oh, I don't want to sleep in with my mum. Deep down in her heart she likes to snuggle with her mum and actually whilst I've been away, Lela's been in my bed for three nights. Oh bless her. That's beautiful, I love it. I love it.
Speaker 2:So you know, I think it just changes right, yeah yeah, but you know it will evolve, it will.
Speaker 1:What a rollercoaster ride it is. And if any of you have been listening to this, thinking thank God, you know, because I find sometimes I listen to people, like when you go in the supermarket and you hear the families having the same conversation that you just had. There is that little moment of like it's not just us, it's not just me, it's like going on. I'm bearing in mind we've done a lot of countries. It's like it's going on in every single country the same stuff. So if you guys listening to to this, hopefully, if you're in that moment where you're navigating not necessarily a teen or a tween, but just a child that may be pushing your buttons at the moment, just know you are not alone and it's all the fun of the parenting journey. Lindsey, if people want to connect with you away from here, where is the best place to find you for all your magical advice and guidance? You?
Speaker 2:can connect with me on Instagram, lindsay underscore Anderson. Underscore coach, or you can send me an email, lindsay at LindsayRandersoncom.
Speaker 1:Okay, magic, and if you're listening to this right now, which obviously you are, you will see the links in the show notes as well, so that you can go and collect with our Lindsay. Thank you so much for hanging out with me today. Pleasure.
Speaker 2:Thank you.
Speaker 1:It seems to hopefully have worked a lot better doing this in person over a glass of water. Next time, I think we'll record another one. We'll do it in the evening with a glass of wine, all right, and thank you so much, guys, wherever you are in the world, for joining us today on today's episode of Wet Wipes and Wine. I wish you a wonderful journey, wherever you are in the world, and we'll catch up with you on the next episode. Bye, bye.