Wet Wipes And Wine
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Wet Wipes And Wine
#4 *Special Feature Episode* Courage Through Grief: Ann-Marie's Story.
**Trigger Warning - Baby Loss**
Ann-Marie is a truly courageous woman and mother to three beautiful angel babies, baby Jay, baby Annabelle, and baby Aya. Ann-Marie has been through a rollercoaster journey of pregnancy, loss, and grief, but in amongst the sadness, she has found the strength to share her story and raise awareness about preeclampsia which nearly cost her her life during her pregnancy with baby Aya and which forced her to give birth to baby Aya too early for her to survive. Through her Instagram page, she has, and continues to document her journey and provides support to others who may be going through similar experiences and to raise awareness of pre-eclampsia.
Episode Summary:
In this emotional and inspiring episode, Nikki Collinson-Phenix interviews her friend Ann-Marie, who shares her heartbreaking journey of losing three babies Ann-Marie recounts her experiences with each pregnancy, from the early onset labor of her first pregnancy with baby Jay to the devastating loss of baby Annabelle, and then of the heartbreaking loss of her third baby, Aya due to pre-eclampsia. She discusses the physical and emotional toll of preeclampsia and the challenges she faced throughout her pregnancies. Despite the unimaginable pain she has endured, Ann-Marie is determined to raise awareness about preeclampsia and support others who may be going through similar experiences.
Key Takeaways:
- Preeclampsia is a serious condition that can lead to complications during pregnancy, including premature birth and the loss of the baby.
- Symptoms of preeclampsia include swelling, high blood pressure, protein in the urine, blurred vision, and chest pain.
- Pregnant women need to be aware of the signs and symptoms of preeclampsia and seek medical attention if they experience any of them.
- Early detection and proper management of preeclampsia can help improve outcomes for both the mother and the baby.
- Support and self-care are crucial for women who have experienced the loss of a baby due to preeclampsia, and sharing their stories can help raise awareness and provide comfort to others going through similar experiences.
To connect with Ann-Marie visit https://www.instagram.com/my_carryon_journey/
For more information on pre-eclampsia visit - https://www.tommys.org/pregnancy-information/pregnancy-complications/pre-eclampsia-information-and-support
Medical Disclaimer:
The content discussed in this episode is for informational purposes only and is not intended to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. Never disregard professional medical advice or delay in seeking it because of something discussed in this episode.
The experiences shared by our guests are personal and may not apply to everyone. It's crucial to consult with a healthcare professional for guidance tailored to your circumstances.
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01.282) Hey everyone and welcome to today's episode of Wet Wipes and Wine and today is a really special episode that we have with my gorgeous friend Ann-Marie in Gibraltar. So we're truly international today. I'm here in Bulgaria and Marie is in beautiful Gibraltar and we're here together to bring you a very special episode. Hello my love, how are you?
Ann-Marie (00:25.458) I'm good. How are you doing?
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (00:28.282) Yeah, I'm really good. I'm chilly in Bulgaria. You're not doing too bad. We may have Sasha the dog in the background might, you know, put in an appearance because she keeps chasing the cat. So in true in true hashtag real life fashion this episode may be perfectly imperfect. Which is, which is basically what it's all about. It's basically what it's all about now.
Ann-Marie (00:39.581) Yeah. 48.006) Absolutely.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (00:54.11) Ann-Marie and I have known each other for a really long time back in, we're both from health, wellness backgrounds, and we came together in previous stuff. And Ann-Marie has been on the previous podcast before talking about stuff, but that was all business stuff. And today, yeah. Do you know, I think it's gotta be like two years ago or something.
Ann-Marie (01:12.534) It's nice and it feels like a long time ago. 18.914) Yeah, it must be about two years now.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (01:21.202) Yeah, I think it's got to be about two years. And so we've done all the business stuff. But today, Ann-Marie is on a mission. And I really value that mission. And that mission is very much tied to the kind of ethos of this podcast as well, which is about having some fun. It is about being entertained. It is about being inspired, but it's also about being educated. So you're going to find some of the episodes on here, you know, we may just have a bit of a laugh and a joke and other times we might just do something you might have a guest, it's just really inspiring. Ann-Marie Marie is one of them massively inspiring. But also sometimes it may be that I just want you to be aware of something I want you to spend half an hour with me, be inspired, but actually take away a little bit of learning. And that's why I invited Ann-Marie to come on today because she's on a bit of a mission and I massively support that mission. So Ann-Marie, do you mind if I give just a very tiny summary backstory and then kind of hand over to you to give a little bit of your... story and your journey that has brought you to where you are today because what we want to talk about today is preeclampsia. Okay, but there's a journey and a story that has brought you to the place where you are now like shouting from the rooftops about that. And, and that's because you know, this, this is a podcast that has been designed, it's been created for parents.
Ann-Marie (02:43.918) Yes, absolutely.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (03:04.09) And this beautiful soul that you are listening to with me today, Ann-Marie, is the mum to three gorgeous babies, three beautiful babies. Will you share the names with us, Ann-Marie?
Ann-Marie (03:18.302) Yeah, so it's baby Jay, baby Annabelle and Aya. Aya's the most recent one.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (03:23.606) baby Aya am. Baby Aya am. Now, the reason why this is such an important episode is that these gorgeous babies, all three of these gorgeous babies unfortunately are not with us anymore and through various different reasons and journeys and stories that this wonderful woman that you're listening to, who is a very good friend of mine, has been through
Ann-Marie (03:29.002) Thanks for watching. Bye! 40.582) Thank you.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (03:52.702) a journey, a parenting journey that is, you just can't even, you can't even imagine, Amri, you know I can't even imagine what it's been like to go through losing three babies and we lost baby Aya last year. And if you don't want, I don't want to be taking up the space, the bandwidth of talking about this because this is your story, but If you wouldn't mind, will you just kind of share a little bit about the journey that you've been through? I know that you're happy to share it because you know now that this experience is, whilst horrific, can now become a force of good. Can you talk a little bit about your story?
Ann-Marie (04:40.702) Yeah, absolutely. So I became pregnant when I was 23 with my first baby. Very naive about pregnancy, just it was very fairly straightforward up until I was 25 weeks. And I was having contractions for three days. I went to see I was in the UK at the time, I went to see the midwife, they just told me it was Braxton Hicks. and not to be concerned. So I was just like, that's fine. Like, like with most pregnancy, especially first time you don't know. So you're, you're really going through all the emotions at as it happens. But what it actually turned out to be was early onset labour. And eventually I did go to hospital to the point where actually I got forced to go to the hospital by my mum and my sister. My husband was working at the time. And it was strange because the night before we were actually joking. We were sat down on the sofa, we were actually joking. I was like, oh my goodness, what if this is actually labour? And I'm like, oh don't be silly, I'm 25 weeks, I've still got ages yet. I know actually it turned out to be a neighbour, so they, when I got admitted to hospital...
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (06:04.086) There you go, there's Sasha making a little bit on that.
Ann-Marie (06:08.148) So when I did get admitted to hospital, I was two centimetres dilated. So they couldn't really do a huge amount to stop the labour because I was already in it. So what they actually did is gave me the injection like they do with a lot of people who give birth prematurely. They give an injection to help with the baby's lungs. So yeah, so he was born through natural labour just on gas and air. There is a little bit of a funny bit to this story. My water broke actually on a contraction. So I actually pelted against the wall and got everybody drenched. So because there was a lot of people in the room, but I had my eyes closed because...
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (06:57.11) Hmm
Ann-Marie (07:02.234) I do a lot of meditation and yoga, so I was trying to get myself into that mindset. So I didn't know, I knew what was going on around me, but I wasn't 100% aware because I had my eyes closed. But I did hear the laugh and my husband did tell me afterwards what happened. So he survived for four, five days. He survived five days. He was born in the early hours of a Wednesday and on the Thursday afternoon we got told he was very poorly. When you're dealing with micro babies, they can change through minutes and hours. It's such a roller coaster journey that you're on. and we ended up having to change hospitals because the hospital I was at didn't have the equipment to deal with his condition. So I wasn't allowed in the ambulance because as you can well imagine, it just completely fits of just panic and sometimes that babies can pick up on mum's feelings. so it can deteriorate their condition. So they advised not to not to go into the ambulance and eventually we got to see him again and it was very touch and go. The next the next 24 hours the doctor said to us it's going to be it's going to be touch and go. The bleeds they now established was actually on the brain. It had stopped but they couldn't tell the full extent at that point. what the damage would have been until over the next few days. They just basically said to us the next few days are going to be critical. And then the Saturday it was like they changed life support machines because there's no online support so they changed life support machines because nothing that they've been doing had been working. There was no progress to his condition.
Ann-Marie (09:15.226) And then on the Sunday, I decided, well, we both decided that we was going to turn his life support machine off because it took me a while, but I eventually realised there was no brain activity at all. And to keep him alive would have been completely selfish on my part, completely, completely selfish. So we made the very difficult decision to turn his life support machine off. And we had a very, very special moment. And I don't know if I, I don't even know if I've even told you this. We had a small, where we were, we were in a small room. I had a very small window. And I had him in my arms. And have you ever seen the film Ghost with Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore? So at the end, you see Patrick Swayze, angels come down.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (10:06.57) Mm-hmm. I have.
Ann-Marie (10:12.53) Well, we had that moment. It lasted for about five seconds, just a small beam of light came down, and then it just went, and I said, straight away, he's gone. We need to get the doctor, he's gone. Like, that's it. And that was a very, it was a very, it was a special moment shared with the people that were closest to us at the time. And we had the funeral, we had a big funeral for him.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (10:14.914) Wow. 23.882) He's gone. 27.882) Wow.
Ann-Marie (10:42.478) Again, it was, I wanted it to be colorful because I'm very much in like, yes, celebrate the life rather than mourn the death. So I wanted it to be colorful. So we had like, everybody wore something completely different colors. So yeah, and then, so that was the June, no July of 2010. And then, what was it?
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (10:50.754) Yeah.
Ann-Marie (11:10.562) November 2011, actually it was just before my birthday, I found out I was pregnant again. This time it was planned, the first time was very much unplanned, that the second time was a planned one and by that point I'd already moved over to Gibraltar and when I went to see the doctors and the consultant told them a bit about what had happened. We never really got a reasoning for the first time why I went into natural labour. They just said it was one of those things and that's why I took it. I took it from face value straight away. Like it was just one of those things. So when I told the consultant he didn't seem hugely concerned. So it didn't make me concerned at all. Pregnancy was going amazing. I was a lot bigger this time around. and was having a little girl. We were really excited. We were just moving. And then it was, it was Easter weekend. So it was April, 2012, beginning of April. And I didn't feel right. I didn't feel right. And I just thought, maybe I've just overdone it because we were in the process, at this point we're in the process of moving. I thought maybe I've just overdone it. And then I had the show well at the first, well, it turned out to be the show, but I had no idea, because I never got it with Jay. I just thought, oh my god, what's, what is this? What is this? So I went, I didn't go to the hospital straight away. I waited a little bit, and then I just kept feeling really wet. So I was like, am I? like am I incontinent? Like, I just, I just didn't know. So, so, and then I decided to go to the hospital and I didn't say anything to anybody. My husband was working, my in-laws were at home and I just said, I was going out. I didn't say anything. I didn't even say anything to my sister. And then off I went, called the midwives. They said, come in, went to see the midwife, had a bit of a chat.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (13:11.246) I know.
Ann-Marie (13:38.026) and she told me my waters are leaking and I'm like oh god so at this point I'm like okay I better find the husband up I better tell him that I've come down to the hospital so yeah so I got told off by those by my in-laws and my husband because I shouldn't have done it and I'm like but I didn't want to worry anybody like if it wasn't anything to worry about then I just didn't want to worry um but I was I was 22 weeks at this point And unlike the first time that the doctors said, when he's born, we're gonna do everything in our power to keep him alive. But because she was so young, they said to us that they was not going to intervene. They decided not to intervene and let nature take its course. Now, I wasn't actually in labor at this point. My waters were just leaking. And again, I had to. the injection to open the lungs. And yeah, and then my contractions died. And that was when, unlike the first time, I was very calm. This time I wasn't. I just couldn't. I just couldn't because I just couldn't go through with having another natural labour and knowing full well that they were not going to intervene. She was going to die. She was. and it was very traumatic. I refused to push to the point where it got really bad. I had no choice. They did do a very small sedation, as in just for me to relax because I was refusing. They got my husband's consent on that one. because my life was going to be in danger if I was continuing to refuse to push. Like my legs were crossed, I was holding myself, there was no way this baby was coming out. So, and I doubt with her death, hard. With my first baby, the hospital that we were at and we ended up having to move, they were...
Ann-Marie (15:58.918) in the process of building a NICU unit which is a special baby unit that can take I want to say babies from 24 weeks but it might be 26 weeks I can't actually remember it's been so long ago now. So when he passed away to bring some positivity into something so negative I did two fundraising events. and raising just under £4,000 between the two events. With this time, I couldn't do that. It was, I couldn't see any positive at all. And it was like a very much down-wall spiral for about eight months. I was hating life. How I still kept job friends and my husband, I literally have no clue because I was probably like the horriblest person in the world to be around to live with. It was tough and I just didn't know how to get out of it and it was at Christmas, Christmas of 2012, that you hit rock bottom and when you hit rock bottom it's like you've got two ways to go. You either go or you go up. and eventually I seeked the help that I needed to seek and got the help that I needed to get and built myself back up again and that was probably that wasn't it was two years I would say it was about a good two years before I even felt like me again. So, and then we roll on to like 11 years later. Again.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (17:40.174) in those 11 years? Can I ask, did you feel like I can't go through this again? Is that why there was a longer gap? Did you just feel like we're not meant to have children? What was your process for the next few years?
Ann-Marie (17:55.859) Yeah.
Ann-Marie (18:00.69) I was beating myself up a lot because it was like I can't do something that's so natural. I can't carry just a baby. Because again, there was no reason. There was because I didn't get checked enough. There was not enough reason behind it to find a reason.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (18:23.15) So they hadn't really done the investigations to find. So therefore you didn't even have any answers. You had lots of questions, but no answers.
Ann-Marie (18:28.045) No. There was lots of. 32.19) no answers. There was lots of things that it could be but until I got pregnant again we wouldn't have known what those are. So one of the things was a weak cervix, another one was not producing enough hormone but to know what it would be I'd have to fall pregnant again and because I was still
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (18:50.092) Yeah. 56.075) Yeah.
Ann-Marie (19:02.13) that point. And then I thought, maybe, maybe we could. And then there was always something, there was always something that stopped me, like I was a bridesmaid to my sister's wedding. So I was like, no, I can't fall pregnant until after wedding. And then I decided to go self employed, come out of employment and go self employed and set my own business up. Well, I'm just about to just do something massively uncertain in my life. I don't want to fall pregnant then. So there was always something there.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (19:03.264) Yeah, yeah.
Ann-Marie (19:31.178) that stopped me. And then back end of, yeah, we're on 24, so back end of 22, yeah, 2022 even. Towards the end of the year, it was quite stressful. I decided to do a little pivot on the salon. that I have and downsize just so I could have a bit more free time to do other things that I wanted to do. And then the talks about getting pregnant again came up. Now we, every God knows how many years, we always have the same conversation. I'm not ready. He, he wanted to baby and I was just not ready. It just wasn't, it just wasn't what I was wanting. And then I thought the conversation came up in beginning of February last year. I thought, why not? Why not? Because I've just downsized and that meant that I'm not completely stressful. I haven't got this big, um, overhaul over my head to make sure that I bring in enough money to cover the overheads. Um, I've downsized everything. So I do have that flexibility, um, to take just a couple of days away. I don't have to be working all the time. So I thought, okay. let's give it a go. And not realizing at the time I was already pregnant, I was about two, maybe three weeks pregnant and that's when we decided. But I found out when I was seven weeks and the only reason why I took a test because as most women will know, when you get stressed, your periods go all over the place. They just go a bit mental. So... mine were a bit all over the place so I knew I was I knew I was G1 and my husband was like you need to just this period needs to come because you are so stressy you're so moody oh absolutely so we were going away for the weekend and I was I suffered really badly from a mosquito bite so I was picking up some repellents from the chemist and I thought I just saw the pregnancy test
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (21:35.108) You gotta love him, don't you?
Ann-Marie (21:51.754) I thought, you know, I'm going to just do one just to rule out not even thinking. I might do it only been like two, just over two weeks, three weeks since we decided. So I just didn't even think. And then, yeah, it came and I did it at work. I did it at work. I did the test. I put on the windowsill. I got set up for my next client and I glanced over 10 minutes before she's due in and it said positive. and then she sat on the bed thinking, oh fuck. Oh, girls.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (22:26.654) How on earth did you manage with that client knowing that news?
Ann-Marie (22:29.882) I was quiet. I couldn't speak. And then I saw her a few weeks later and she was like, was you okay when you were on my last appointment because you were ever so quiet? I said, well, actually, I found out I was pregnant literally 10 minutes before you walked through the door. So I kept it quiet the whole day. And then I went home and I told my husband. And to say he was
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (22:42.316) Oh.
Ann-Marie (22:59.966) fate has now decided, like, we have to just, whatever we can do, we will do. If it means me go from bed rest, then so be it. It's not what I want to do because anybody that actually knows me knows how active I am and I just do not stop. So for going on bed rest would have been a massive thing, but I would have done it if that meant saving this baby. And we have the weekend because I said I didn't want anyone to find out. yeah so I just wanted to have the weekend we're going away I just wanted the weekend just best to knowing this amazing news um and then we told our mum and dad we told our siblings um but again we said just keep it quiet because we wasn't we wasn't really tenant until I got the first scan which I had the week after so we had the scan at eight weeks until I had that scan there was absolutely no chance that I was telling too many people I was like when you have a scan it's like okay now it's real it's real there is there is a heart there
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (24:03.114) Because you can never imagine that there's actually something in your tummy until you have a scan and see it on a screen, isn't it?
Ann-Marie (24:09.45) It's nuts, isn't it? It's absolutely nuts. So I phoned the doctors now. I don't know what it's like in the UK or anywhere else, but over here I assumed you just go to the doctors. It's been such a long time. I just go to the doctors and then they forward it on, but no, you're actually here. You're meant to go straight to the midwives. But because I did go to the doctors, they fast-tracked me and obviously I explained everything that happened in the last two pregnancies. So within, I would say within two days of going from the doctors or seeing the midwife, the following week I'm seeing the consultant and I was, I already had my first scan at eight weeks. And then, yeah, it was, okay, this is the plan, this is what we're going to do. You're going to be taking, um, suppositories um twice a day um and then you're gonna be taking obviously you take um there was oh god what was it aspirin okay right so i was on that from week i think it's week eight i started that and then i got another check so they were checking me every two to three weeks on top of that i was also going and getting scanned because again, we didn't know, we still didn't know what the problem was. And I was scared.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (25:51.702) You also want to feel like you've got, I mean, cause obviously, you know, parts of your journey with baby I were very familiar to parts of my pregnancy and previous losses. And you just sometimes, wanna, Sasha, sometimes you just wanna feel like there's something you can control, isn't it? There's something that you can.
Ann-Marie (26:04.646) dog barking 14.342) Yeah, absolutely.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (26:17.014) do and if it means private scans and if it means doing all this extra stuff, it just feels like you're being as proactive as you can be.
Ann-Marie (26:26.234) Yeah, absolutely. You just, it was, it was nice because people were listening this time round. People were listening to what I was saying and I was saying, look, this, this is what happened last time. What can we do to make sure it doesn't happen again? And then, um,
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (26:32.002) Yeah.
Ann-Marie (26:45.594) Yeah, so I was having scans. They told me that I couldn't, like, obviously, once you get towards the end of the pregnancy, you can't fly, which is totally understandable. But from 20 weeks, I was told that I wasn't allowed to fly. I decided to bring that back down, and I thought, right, from 17 weeks, I'm not actually going to be flying, because I fly to the UK three or four times a year. So I booked, and I was... coming into my 15th week and I decided that I was going to go to the UK that weekend. Well, I actually extended it and we had a scan a few days before I was going to the UK and we found that we were having a girl. And again, we kept that quiet because I wanted to tell the family in person because we were having a big family get together because... I knew I wasn't going to get to see everybody for the rest of the year. I wanted to see the aunties, uncles, cousins, their kids. So it was a big family, massive thing. But I didn't, I always said I never really wanted to baby shower. Because for me it was like, am I going to jinx it? Am I celebrating too much?
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (28:00.962) Yeah.
Ann-Marie (28:02.266) Like I, at the minute I would get excited, I'd have to bring myself back down again tonight. Know that, know, think something could go wrong at any minute. Like, so don't get too excited. So my sister, oh.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (28:12.886) It's really hard though, isn't it? Because it does, it stops you being able to enjoy something that is actually, it's an amazing thing. And when you've had bad experiences in the past, it just sucks the joy out of any of it, doesn't it?
Ann-Marie (28:38.571) Yeah, it does take the shine out of it because you're constantly on edge.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (28:44.354) Yeah.
Ann-Marie (28:45.866) um but something I actually have missed out I decided from early on that I was actually going to document this pregnancy because I knew it was my last one I had in my head that this was it that I wasn't going to there was no but what if what if we try again this was going to be my last pregnancy so I decided to document it um and it was just it was more to do with it was actually bit so I ended up doing an Instagram page and it was one of my very good friends and she was saying why don't you share your story because you never know that you could help other people or you could be supporting other people that are going through a similar thing and I'm like well I didn't really think about that but Again, it was for me, if I put it out there, it's, you're being judged. And I think when you're feeling quite vulnerable in your pregnancy, anyway, do you want that judgment? But I thought, oh, sod it, you only live once. So off this Instagram page went up and it's been a real success. It's, it's been really nice to see the amount of people and the amount of people that I don't actually, some of them I don't even know, like I've never even sending me messages that they're commenting on the pictures and it's just like god you're like you're taking time to see this post which actually it really isn't that much but you're taking time
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (30:18.15) because you've never realized how inspiring you are. That's why you've never realized.
Ann-Marie (30:23.955) No, not at all. So it kind of came to a little thing like I was posting mostly on Sunday. So it threw out the weight but mainly on Sundays just to congratulate myself I've got to another week of pregnancy. And then we had the 20 week scam and then we got told there was there's a potential shadow. on her heart and that we had to go and see the specialist. So we had to go over to Spain to Malaga the week later and honestly that week was like... I went through so many emotions that week, it was unreal. Like one minute I was fine, and I kept thinking to myself, if it was something serious, we won't be waiting a week. But then what if it's something serious? I was just like driving myself insane. Anyway, we...
Ann-Marie (31:24.518) We went to this appointment over in Spain and they took my blood pressure and my blood pressure was really high and that whole pregnancy, all three pregnancies never had high blood pressure. And my blood pressure was really high. It was 170 over 110. And I was just like, so they said, has it always been that high? And I said, no, never, but maybe I'm just stressed because of this appointment. So that's what I put it down 57.752) And luckily she scanned me, it was like my heart, I literally thought it was going to come out of me because for the first five minutes because I was waiting for her just to say to me, yes there's something wrong or no there isn't and thank goodness we got all clear. They just presumed it was the way she was laying that... but that's why they may have seen a shadow, but luckily all four chambers were good. She was like, it was just a healthy pregnancy, like this is a healthy baby. So it put my mind at complete ease. And then, so that was, because obviously I went to Spain and had this done, it took a couple of days for the translation to be put into English. So I had a consultant appointment to discuss their findings, well, to discuss the results on the Tuesdays. This was the Thursday I had this scam. on the Tuesday and I've been having a few symptoms but I just put it down to normal pregnancy so if you know where Gibraltar is, it's south of Spain so it gets pretty hot in the summer and mind you we're in the heat, we're in the height of summer, we're in the end of June. coming into July so it's pretty hot. So I had like the typical swollen feet, swollen hands. Again I just put it down to pregnancy being in the heat. Anyway I was developing this pain in my chest which is like almost where when you wear an underwire bra it's like in the middle and I just thought it was...
Ann-Marie (33:48.098) indigestion so I was just taking renne's. And over the weekend I was so dehydrated it was just it didn't matter how much water I was drinking I was just constantly thirsting. So on the day um on that Tuesday happened to be my sister's birthday so we're on the 27th of June and I had my appointment in the afternoon and I was working up until the appointment the hospital appointment um and I woke up yeah 2023
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (34:25.75) And this was last year, wasn't it? 2023.
Ann-Marie (34:31.238) And I woke up and I'm so tired, like unbelievably tired. Like, you know, when you're, you're got the flight, the first stages of the flu and you can't get out of bed, everything hurts. That's, that's how I was feeling. So I changed two of my appointments, my morning appointments and changed it to the following day. So I thought that gives me an extra two hours to steadily get up and wake up and get to work. But the whole time I was only there for three hours at work I was only doing three hours of work and the whole time I was like I can't wait to get home to go back to sleep I'm so tired. Like I could literally sleepwalk right now. This is how tired I'm feeling and I'm so I don't I do my work and I'm walking to the hospital where my appointment is. And again, I'm still thinking, I just want to go to sleep. Like I just wished I didn't have this appointment. My consultant at the time was running late, so I was sat for half an hour. So I was thinking, oh God, just get this over and done with. And I go in as normal, they take my blood pressure. Now, machine is behind me, so I don't see the machine. And I'm talking to the consultant and he looks up, he looks straight at the machine and his eyes just literally thought it was gonna pop out of his head. He goes, we're gonna take your blood pressure in five more minutes, Nessa, is it high? And he says, yeah, I was like, how high? He goes, high. Took it again. And he's like, I'm going to meet you to maternity for observation. Mind you, I'm walking. I'm walking and talking. I go up there again. I'm it's two floors up. So I take the lift with a midwife and we go into the side room.
Ann-Marie (36:31.406) Again, I'm walking, I haven't got a wheelchair, I'm walking and I'm talking and I'm feeling, apart from feeling tired and feeling alright, there's no other symptoms that I had, that I could think of that I had. They took it for the third time, again they still didn't tell me what my blood pressure was and the next thing I have six people rushing into the room which freaked me out. I literally sat up from the bed and I was like, what is going on? What is going on? You need to tell me what's going on because I can't like, you've just freaked me out here. I've got a trainee midwife, which bless her. She was so lovely with me. She was just, she, she was like, everything's going to be okay. She was proper like trying to calm me down because I was now freaking out because I'm like, oh my God, what's going on? Um, so, and then, so when, when they left, um, And it was just me and me and the trainee midwife. I said to her, let me, can you tell me what my blood pressure was? She goes, your last reading, which was just before everyone came in, was 208. I'm like. that's high. She goes, yeah, when you came in, it was 197. And I'm like, I've been sat down for half an hour. I've been sat down out there for half an hour and it was 197. I was like, this is not good. She goes, no. So another hour passed, we were deciding what we were doing, if we were going up to Malaga or not. Anyway, The other one was Marbella as well. Anyway, decided I'm going up to Malaga in the ambulance. Cause I was like, well, can't I just, can't we just drive up there? Like, and they were like, no, no. Cause they did everything they could to bring it down. And this was not coming down. So off I went up to Malaga and I just remember.
Ann-Marie (38:36.814) It was my sister's birthday and I talk, again, I'm really close to my younger sister and I talk to her all the time. And the only thing I could say, because I hadn't even told her, the only thing I needed to put out was like all appointments are now cancelled on my work. I was in the back of the ambulance working on my phone, as you freaking do, with a blood pressure that's sky high. Yeah.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (38:59.923) as you do.
Ann-Marie (39:04.667) And later on... 08.79) my husband said to me you had no clue on how serious this was. This was like a few days later and I said no but I still don't think I am because I feel like I'm getting better. I think this must have been the Friday. I got admitted on the Tuesday. Lots of things happened. I was in a different country. I didn't speak the first language of Spanish. There is a small amount of people that speak English. scary as hell. You're getting doctors that are giving you all sorts, like you're literally stripped down, there's literally no dignity at all. I know you lose your dignity anyway when you go into labour but this was like full blow, literally no dignity at all. I was strapped, I was literally strapped up to machines. I remember the first, one of the first things we did, well one of the first things they did, erm... when I got to the hospital was they scanned me and all I kept thinking in my head was please that cervix be still be closed please that cervix still be closed because I'm still on this medication and they have upped their medication around 14 weeks but that was more of a precaution than anything else there wasn't there was no signs of the cervix opening. and then she said to me, your baby's measuring small and I said well they said that to me before but I wasn't hugely concerned because this my mum had us all small we were all small babies so I wasn't I wasn't I haven't been hugely concerned with that and she goes well she's measuring two to three weeks smaller than what she should be I'm like oh god I'll just need more then as you do, just think, I'll just eat more, I'll just eat more. So, I look back now and I just think, they must have thought I was absolutely freaking crazy, like who comes up with stuff like that? I just eat more. Anyway, so, yeah, so the first, I would say the first four days were pretty, pretty scary, pretty intense, it was just trying to...
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (41:05.762) Feed her up.
Ann-Marie (41:31.934) get my blood pressure down. It was just all over the place. One minute it was down, next thing it was high. Getting poked and prodded. And then one thing that kept coming up was the termination of pregnancy. And this is where I think it got lost in translation. Cause then I, after, on the Friday, I completely freaked out because they kept bringing this termination of pregnancy up. And I was just like, but why? Why are you wanting to terminate my pregnancy? Like you're telling me that you're going to do this, but you're not telling me why. Anyway, eventually they started telling me things, but again it was all very broken English, so it was very difficult.
Ann-Marie (42:28.01) to know the true extent of what they were actually doing because they didn't know how to explain it in English. I can understand some Spanish, but I can't translate it back. And using a translator, again, it twists words to what it's, so it doesn't actually sound what it's supposed to mean. I was having this headache. Oh God, the headache was intense. And it was getting worse on the Sunday. So when I was in, so I, when I got to Manigra hospital, I was in ice, I was put into ICU. ITU, sorry, I get them mixed up. So Joe couldn't, my husband couldn't be there. He could only see me for an hour. And it's a almost three and a half hour round trip because it's the other side of Malaga. So it's just not the normal hour and a half. It's a three and a half hour round trip. And for him to just to see me for a whole hour, I just said to him, look, it's a waste. Like we're on video calls all the time. I don't think I've ever had so much communication with him even when I'm at home.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (43:46.082) Bless him.
Ann-Marie (43:47.166) So I just said to him once I get transferred up to maternity unit I've been told there's to spare beds and then you come for the weekend or whenever it is I'm there. So he comes on the Friday and he has to leave on the Sunday. And the Sunday I started getting worse but I didn't know whether it was because I was panicking because he's now leaving and I was extremely emotional. and yeah this headache just wasn't shifting um and it was about four o'clock in the morning on the monday morning and i woke up and this head is i thought it was going to explode so i ended up ringing to get some because all they could give me was paracetamol so they couldn't give me anything stronger because i was still pregnant And... Bye! I would say about 6.30 I'd put my phone down because I always message my husband and my sister but it got so bad I couldn't even have my phone, I couldn't have anything on. The head, it wasn't just in the head anymore, it was down the sides of my face, it was behind my neck. The swelling was hurting, it was so sore to touch. I just, I needed people to whisper. I had no light. I was curled up. They took me back down to ITU because they said that we can't, you're, you're poorly, you're poorly and you need to go down. So off I, and I literally, I remember getting out of the, out of my room because I had a private room and I just had the blanket over my head because I was just like the lights are so bright I actually physically cannot open my eyes.
Ann-Marie (45:47.898) I had a liaison officer that I saw every day for about 10 minutes and she came down to see me and she said, your sister's been trying to call the hospital but because she's not your next of kin. I was like, tell her what you need to tell her, she's my sister. At this point, now the timing, I have no idea what time it is, I don't even know where my phone is, I have no idea at all. but they'd phoned, the hospital had phoned my husband, Daphne and told him to get to the hospital. That it's now becoming life-wrecking and that they have to do emergency C-section. So he was... When they told me, they told me and they will put me onto the other trolley. And I just, I remember, I don't even know how, but I remember phoning my husband and he says, I'm just parking the car. Hold on. And I was just like, I can't. And then they took my phone off of me. And then, yeah, I was down into the theatre. And then they put the apple jaw on, and he goes, oh, this is gonna sting a bit. I'm like, come on, I'm in so much pain. Because at this point, I'm literally like, tears, but uncontrollably, because I knew what was coming. So I was 25 weeks one day. I was like, yes, I've made it to 25 weeks. That's great. And yeah, she was born. Born, came out crying, making a noise. Yeah, so and then they allowed Joe, once she was born, they allowed Joe back in into the theatre. So he was there. Then they had staples.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (47:24.952) Oh beautiful baby Aya.
Ann-Marie (47:39.582) um in rather than stitches so he took me back down to ITU um and then um I managed to see Joe for a bit um and then I kept apologizing he was like what you apologizing for and I was like I can't keep our babies inside me to put it very bluntly and it upsets me and I can't forgive myself for that. I can't forgive my body. I would very, very much hated my body. How can it carry such the most amazing, incredible thing in the world yet be so awful at the same time? So... Then I finally got told that it was pre-eclampsia that I had and I still had the pre-eclampsia so I was just like right what is it? So all the symptoms that I had swollen feet, swollen hands, the pain in my chest, the pains down the side of my belly, the headache. I had protein in my urine. That's all signs of preeclampsia. And I was just like, so now I is born. It was the following day that I saw her. they wheelchared me in but I could only see her for 10 minutes because the room was so warm and my blood pressure was so high I couldn't be in there for long and it was very controlled on how long I could see her and that was the most frustrating part because when I had Jay and we were in Bristol
Ann-Marie (49:28.506) we could see him all the time. There was no limit when we could see him or when we couldn't. And this time it was very much limited. And I get it because my blood pressure is so high. I'm in a very hot room. I could just collapse and pass out. But at the same time, my baby's there and I want to be with her.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (49:45.742) to your baby.
Ann-Marie (49:50.174) So the next over the next few days my milk came, God my milk didn't come, Jesus Christ I didn't think I could produce so much milk in such a short amount of space of time. Even they were surprised so I ended up buying some like freezer milk bags.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (50:06.398) Yeah, yeah, you know the freezer milk bags.
Ann-Marie (50:08.254) So I ended up buying some of those because I was going through, they had like little bottles but they were only little and I was doing like almost, oh god knows how many, I don't know how much I went through. But I worked out roughly, in three days I managed to do a pint and a half of milk. which she was taken, not all of it obviously, but she was taken. So over the next few days she was just stable, she was very active, kicking. Her hands, her feet were going crazy and I said, well when I was carrying her she was always so active anyway. It was just so, it was so lovely to see, like she was tiny, she was tiny, she was only, she only weighed 500 grams. that was the Monday and then the Friday we got told obviously babies lose some weight when they're born but by the Friday she'd put on the weight back on and she was nailed back up to what she weighed when she was born. That's amazing they just said to keep doing what you're doing with the breastfeeding with expressing your milk and then she said we obviously we can't look for long term because it's so up and down but definitely for the short term we are um going to up her food up her milk intake on monday which should be a week old oh that's brilliant the saturday I had my in-laws that come up so it was really nice to see them. I had a proper shower without no one being there because again when you've got high blood pressure you always got to if you go into anywhere that's hot you've got to have somebody with you in case you fall and collapse.
Ann-Marie (51:56.282) So I always, if I had a shower, it's always been someone was hovering around me. Um, but on the Saturday I had a shower, I washed my hair, I brushed my teeth properly. I just felt, it was just felt, it felt so good. It felt really good just to be able to do simple things. Um, I was having the most amazing day. She, they decided to see if she was going to be able to breathe on her, on herself. So they took her hot oxygen mask away. herself she was still kicking and all that she was trying to cry she was she was incredible and I felt so good it was a really good positive day but she said look don't worry she's back on oxygen in the morning because it can be rollercoaster I was like that's totally fine but today she's breathing by herself and that is a massive achievement and that's what I'm gonna take for today and then it went downhill. I got woke up which is not odd because I was if I was always getting woken up to take blood pressure tablets and other medication but I got woken up one in the morning to say I is back on oxygen one of her lungs wasn't working to how they expected it to be working but just so you know that there is a few more machines in her room at the minute. So if you go in there and I'm not there, this was the pediatrician. I was like, that's fine because you told me. So I messaged my husband. I said, I know you're not going to receive this till the morning, but this is what the pediatrician has just said to me. I'm telling you now because I forget in the morning. And I was asking all day. I see her? Can I see her? Nick and Sam? Well, someone will come and get you in a minute. Someone will come and get you in a minute. And by the third time, I started getting really frustrated and my headache started coming back. So I said to my husband when I was on a video call, I'm going to try and have a little snooze, see if I can shift his head.
Ann-Marie (54:04.986) Anyway, I don't know how long it was. We were in the afternoon at this point on the Sunday, which is the night for July last year. And one of the nurses came flying in, didn't not, came flying in, are you on your own? Yes, doctor wants to speak to you. I've never jumped off that bed quickly in my whole entire life. I grabbed my phone, I texted Joe, and I said, doctor wants to speak to me, and it doesn't sound good. 34.846) and I walk in and there's three nurses outside of her room, there's three nurses and the doctor over her, she's not moving, they've sedated her at this point and I didn't even get into the room and I was like you need to tell me what's going on, what is going on and he sat me down, the doctor sat me down, he goes you don't, you can't be on your own, you can't be on your own, so I'm messaging Joe, I was like you need to come up, he was like I'm already on my way. and he just said to me it's not looking good her lungs aren't working and we're doing everything we can and the next thing I messaged no my husband messaged me to say i've just dropped our Sasha off at the doggy hotel um and now I'm 40 minutes away, let's hope, and I said, you're not making it. At this point, she was flatlining. I could see on the monitors that it was all flat. And then five minutes later, the doctor, and I said, you don't even need to say anything to me because I can see it right now. He was so gutted. You could tell by his face, he was so, so gutted. And I just remember there was this one nurse that kept touching my head. And you know when you just think I'm gonna punch you in a minute if you carry on doing that because you are absolutely annoying me. And I just phoned Jo up and the words I actually managed to get out was, um, get here, but get here safely. Like, I don't care if you speed, but I just need to get, I need you here. And yeah, he was here with less than an hour because we may have encouraged him speed and fine, so I don't care. Deal with that. Go here. Um, and yeah, she passed away.
Ann-Marie (56:32.162) and I... I've put off... Jeez, we're here again. So yeah, it was pretty, it was tough because it was like, God, now I'm walking out of the hospital. My stomach is seriously, still looks pregnant. I have now a huge scar. I'm bruised to high hell, but I'm walking out with no baby. And that was tough. That was really tough to actually walk out. And then you just yeah, it was just it was just awesome.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (57:09.134) How do you... 12.77) How do you reconcile with the loss of three babies?
Ann-Marie (57:21.358) A lot of self care. A lot of being selfish. A lot of having to say no to people that you wouldn't normally say no to. Or no to situations. Because, especially this time round. I wanted to do things different, slightly different. I wanted to take control over the situation. Like this preeclampsia was still in my system for five to six weeks afterwards and obviously... longer it's in your system the more damage it can do internally. So the preeclampsia can attack your liver and kidneys and it also attacks the placenta which when I look back now yeah I must have had the preeclampsia. The preeclampsia must have started in between seeing the two appointments. but it already started attacking my presenter which is probably why baby was measuring smaller two to three weeks
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (58:34.458) Yeah. And I think, I think, I think one of the things that I felt was like the real cool twist of this journey was obviously the focus when you were pregnant with Aya was all about, I don't want it to happen, what happened with baby Jane, baby Anwell and I don't want to have that. And so the focus was all about you know, have I got a weak cervix, you know, have I got hormonal things, this whole preeclampsia stuff just left fielded, didn't it? I mean, that was not, that was not on your radar as like keeping, keeping my baby safe involved all this other stuff, but there wasn't any thought about preeclampsia. And I think that's why, you know, why you have inspired me and you've inspired all the people that are in your world is that.
Ann-Marie (59:12.939) Absolutely.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (59:29.468) whilst going through this completely unimaginable trauma, not once, but three times, is you're now in a position where you've been through your Instagram post, through speaking with people, through talking about it, is wanting to now raise awareness of preeclampsia. Because like you say, you're sitting there going, actually, now I understand more about it. I'm looking back and I'm recognising that maybe, you know, when I had this swelling when you talked about like in the hot weather you I remember at the time when we talked and you were like anybody was saying this stuff was easily explainable with stuff that was going on normal stuff, normal reasons. And as women sometimes I think we are particularly more stronger women, we want to be the ones that are being rational about it. We don't want to sit there going, oh my goodness, you know, I've got a bit of chest pain, there must be something seriously wrong. When we all know that indigestion is a really common and non-life threatening part of being pregnant. I mean, I was on bloody Gaviscon on prescription. So, you know, that would not have been something that would make me think I've got preeclampsia. And when you add all the other stuff together, it's so easy for somebody to put some logic behind while they're getting these symptoms without realising that actually these are collectively... warning signs and that's why you know I know that you've become a real advocate now despite these awful tragedies and losses of wanting to make sure that you're raising awareness of these symptoms for other people so
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (01:01:19.034) What I just want you to do, Amarie, is before we wrap up the episode today, is can you please just go through those symptoms again, the key ones that you experienced, so we can have them crystal clear. And then I know you've got a website and that you want to direct people to, but yeah, if you could just go through these symptoms, those key symptoms.
Ann-Marie (01:01:46.11) So the swelling, which I said before, the pain in the chest, you can get pain in the sides of like either side of your belly. Also the blurred vision, which is the only one that I didn't have, you can get blurred vision or those like dark spots in your eyes. What else was there? blood vision, oh my goodness, protein in urine which usually gets tested and high blood pressure and it's something I'm now advising, I wouldn't say advising because I'm not, I'm just asking people like if they've got history of blood pressure issues in the family to buy a blood pressure machine. They cost 20, 30 pounds or euros on Amazon and you don't need the bees knees as long as it just takes your blood pressure and it's just something it needs. Your blood pressure needs to be around 120 over 80 I think it is around that kind of market. It can go up to when they class it high blood pressure as anything and very high is 160. I can't remember how much it is over by but I think it's 110 I think but I'm not entirely sure but I know 160 is very high blood pressure and yeah so it's your
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (01:03:19.926) think that's a great tip is actually to get yourself a monitor because like you say I had one through my work and I used to take my blood pressure a lot and like you say they cost nothing they're very simple they're very idiot-proof and the fact is that journey with preeclampsia isn't just about the loss of baby eye art it could have been the loss of Ann-Marie too
Ann-Marie (01:03:47.158) Oh yes, yeah when I got discharged from...
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (01:03:49.711) That's the seriousness about it is that we might not be having this conversation today.
Ann-Marie (01:03:58.028) And when I got discharged from Managar And I went down to see, a few days later, I went to see the consultant who admitted me to Malaga. And he said, in the 29 years that he's been a doctor, he's never seen anybody walk in with blood pressure as high as mine. He goes, not only that, to go through the whole time, in the whole week that you had, and he was saying, as I'm reading the report, they almost lost you and I said, well they did tell me because they did tell me they couldn't wait even five more minutes. Because yeah, my life was pretty, it was pretty close to losing it. Yeah, it was. And I think when...
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (01:04:44.658) It was in the balance, wasn't it? It was in the balance.
Ann-Marie (01:04:49.526) When you hear it, you think, oh, okay, yeah, that's really risky. But I think when you hear it and hear how serious it actually was, I came home and I just felt so lucky to be here. Not only to be here, but not to have any after effects at the time because I was still waiting for blood to come back. to see if I still had the preeclampsia in me. But yeah, to be able to be told that you're so lucky to still be here, is, it's just incredible to me to be able to, and that was what started this then, I need to raise awareness because if I'm still lucky, I have my voice, I can tell people what I've been through, to share my story. And if even if it just saves one person, lady goes to the doctors and says I have these symptoms I think it could be preeclampsia keep going even if they dismiss you keep going keep going and keep going until someone listens.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (01:05:53.29) think that's one of the key things I think I would like to say is somebody who's had a very rollercoaster journey just generally medically, not just in pregnancy is like Amary has said is like if is you know your body, you know, you know your body better than anybody and, and you know what is normal. And if there's anything that feels like even just a tiny bit, not quite right, or a tiny bit concerning, be your own say I don't feel great and if they if they are dismissing you just keep going back you know be that person that's really annoying so that they actually do the tests and they actually can say actually you are okay or actually this is a problem but you know with the greatest respect to the medical profession I'm from the medical profession I have still faced times when even when
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (01:06:53.9) experiencing because I'm medically trained, I have still had to shout and shout and shout to be listened to and I'm somebody that can shout from a place of being medically educated. For the lay person it doesn't recognize that you guys have to shout even louder so if I still have to shout my goodness please shout even louder. Ann-Marie
Ann-Marie (01:07:00.175) Yeah. 13.186) Yeah, absolutely.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (01:07:20.114) your story is it's humbling, it's inspiring, it's tragic, it's just, you know, whenever I think about it, I could I'm on close to tears right now, because I just find it. You know, I'm I just find it incredible what you've been through and these beautiful babies and it's just and I thank you so much for coming and sharing it just sharing it as a force of good because it takes a lot of courage to do that baby takes a lot of courage. Now if people want to be in your world on Instagram I know that you're still doing bits on your page. What is your handle on Instagram for people to come and connect with you?
Ann-Marie (01:08:00.156) It's my carry-on journey on Instagram.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (01:08:04.206) Okay. And I will, when you're listening to this podcast, that link will be on the show notes here. I will get that from Ann-Marie. And Ann-Marie, lastly, if people want to learn a little bit more about preeclampsia for themselves, just to feel more educated, what's the best place for them to go to online to look at stuff?
Ann-Marie (01:08:21.17) We would go to Tommy's charity, so it's Tommy's.org and on there you'll be able to pick up more information. So you'll be able to pick up more information on there.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (01:08:35.554) Thank you, babe. So listen, guys, wherever you are in the world, listening to this podcast, I know this is a longer episode than our normal episodes, but this is, no, it's not. This was a special extended episode because this was massively important. And like Amarie said, if one person is listening to this, you guys listening to this are parents, potential parents. You may be pregnant right now. You may know somebody who's in your world
Ann-Marie (01:08:44.617) Sorry about that guys.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (01:09:05.488) pregnant right now and you're seeing some of these symptoms and they're not seeing them for themselves. You know, if this episode can impact even just one person, it was worth Ann-Marie and I sitting here for an hour to have this conversation. So. Ann-Marie, thank you so much for coming on and sharing your story and allowing me to have the opportunity to share your story because it's very powerful, but to share your message and to share all this stuff about preeclampsia because, you know, we don't want to wish your journey on anybody. So love to you in Gibraltar and
Ann-Marie (01:09:23.015) Thank you. 44.786) Thank you so much and thank you very much for listening.
Nikki Collinson-Phenix (01:09:47.83) Yeah, and thank you to you guys wherever you are in the world. Thank you for sticking with us for this special feature episode today. And I look forward to catching up with you on the next episode. So checking out now for Wet Wipes and Wine. Have a lovely rest of the day wherever you are in the world. Take care now. Bye.
Ann-Marie (01:10:08.313) Bye.